March 9th. That's today's date. The last time I updated was February 24th...needless to say things have been craaaaaazy! I've had a lot of personal things piled on to all of the training and it's been utterly exhausting! I mean for one I feel like I've completely checked out of school, and many of my colleagues can speak to this fact as well, but this semester (the last one of undergrad...which actually involves me taking nearly all grad classes) has been completely disengaging and has stirred up a lot of questions within me about what my life is going to be like next year. As of right now I couldn't even tell you where I'm living, where I'm interning, or what I'll be doing next week Wednesday at 6:54 pm....ok that's a lie I'll be heading into a meeting, but even still the amount of anxiety that comes with the ambivalence is enough to through me off my equilibrium.
Running has definitely helped me feel more confident about myself, while at the same time boosting my ambition and motivation levels, which provides such a transition in the way I lead my life. But still there are external forces just outside my control that I take a huge impact on. I'm being really vague aren't I? Plain and simple I feel like I'm at a point in my life that every move I make from here on out will make a lasting imprint on my life. One of those decision is whether or not I want to return to Loyola next year to finish my masters. What would life look like if I went into the field with just a BSW and would I want to go back to get my MSW at any point? It's rough because of the economy and my financial situation it's not really feasible, but at the same time trying to pursue a career in social work is not really conducive without your masters. There is only further frustration in that I have not received one referral for an internship for next year and it's March. So what happens if I don't get placed in a school I want to be in, or what happens if I don't get placed in a school? Do I compromise the path I am on, while at the same time sidelining my hopes and goals?
Likewise, I'm not sure what will happen with Pete and I next year since he hasn't had a definite response from any of the med schools he's applied to. What would my life look like living away from him? Or what does it mean if he gets in somewhere in Chicago and this apartment, this area, becomes our permanent home for the next 4 years?
Try thinking about all of these things in one sitting, it's kind of like attempting to chug a whole gallon of milk at once, it makes you want to vomit.
But hopefully, all in due time, decisions will be made. Who's to say they will be the right ones but I can only hope for the best.
So I run :)