It's Monday. Wanna know how I can tell? The day sucks and I come home feeling like absolute crap. Every Monday is just a nice smack in the face of all the things I didn't do over the weekend and how behind I am on everything. A nice warm cup of coffee with a side of apathy towards going to class and I'm in desperate need of some motivation and organization. So I do what I do best: To-Do Lists. Mondays are always synonymous with them, the only problem is that I get over ambitious and before you know it that list is in the double digits of things that "need" to get done. But lets be honest, by the time I actually get home, veg out and open up that list how many things do you think are actually gonna get done? Let me tell you, if you haven't figured it out yet, all of two, maybe three things will get done and the list will continue to grow throughout the week and the tasks will get put off until the next list is constructed.
So maybe you're reading this and asking yourself, "Well then why the hell is she wasting time writing this post?" Because procrastination makes the world go round, and that's the best I got for ya. But in truth, I have become a whole different person this year. I can't say I'm totally ashamed of it because all of my friends and colleagues have been doing it for quite some time now. "It" being procrastination. "It" being the cool thing to do, all the cool kids are doing it....Starting a paper the night before it's due, not going to class or going to class completely unprepared with no more than a "Meh" is something kind of uncharacteristic to me. But I'll take it. Because in exchange I feel like this "new person" is more motivated and a hell of a lot more independent that she used to be. And some people may take issue with that but for once, I'm doin' me.
In class today we talked about burnout and self care, which couldn't be any more appropriate for where I'm at right now. Last Thursday my friend and I skipped class so we could go out for dinner and drinks. Maybe that's not the best example of self care, probably more of burnout but you get my point. I rely a lot on my workouts these days to get me through the minutes and hours that are so draining but today was something different. After going going going all day I was hoping my internship would be quick and painless so I could just get to the gym and get my workout over with. That should be red flag number one. Workouts are therapeutic to me and today I did not even want to go. After two hours of children arguing, crying, yelling inappropriate things and fighting I was pushed to the limit. I must have chased half a dozen of them around the school trying to get them back in the room, consoled a few more from arguments and then definitely needed to exert physical restraint with two of the elementary school boys who were punching one another. Breathe in. Breathe out. PHHHHHHEW! Needless to say when I got to the gym I was a bit out of it and it really didn't help that everyone and their uncle was there. I mean it's freakin' spring break, why is everyone at the gym?! So I got changed, all the while thinking over and over again in my head how much I really never want to have children, when I get up to the rotunda and realize I need to wait at least 15 minutes for a machine. Any other day and I would be fine with it, but not today. Not today when I don't even want to be there in the first place and not today when if anyone even tries to have a conversation with me I'd probably knock them out.
So I waited for the machine. I sat on one of those disgusting blue mats and pseudo stretched while glaring at the individual running on the machine I was signed up for, somewhat hoping he could feel my death stare. At 6:15 I finally got on the machine, started it up and turned on some tunes. I set my pace at 5.6 as I searched longingly for the right first song to start this hour run off to. I settled on one but it just wasn't right so I scrolled on, running on the belt all the while. I got a mile and a little over a quarter in before I had to just call it quits. I played the mind game with myself for 15 minutes, convincing myself to just push, you don't even need to get in the pool tonight just do this run. I even went so far as to turn the t.v. on, which I never do anymore, to try and distract myself. So I turned off the machine, sprayed it down and went to the locker room.
I was soooooo mad at myself. I felt like one of those parents that has to pull their child out of a lesson because he or she is misbehaving so badly the instructor asks them to leave. Anger, frustration and overall fatigue washed over me as I left the building. And now I sit here on the couch still upset with myself but I have rationed slightly that doing a 3.5 hour workout yesterday is at least some grounds for a rest day. And maybe that sounds kind of crazy to some of you but let me put into perspective for you that working out for me is like whatever activity you need to do for yourself everyday--whether that's a cup of coffee, checking your email, or reading a book. I have to do it and I realize there are going to be off days but that's exactly how I feel...off. So I swallow it down, like a jagged little pill and I tell myself tomorrow is another day. But the best part about tomorrow...it's not Monday :)