Bad days tend to hit really hard, at least for me. I have a strict policy about letting people or things get to me, picked it up from a teacher my senior year in high school and goes something like: "You're responsible for your own feelings and reactions; no one can make you feel any which way and if you so choose to get angry or upset that is your choice and in doing so you are giving that person or thing a lot of power over you." This catches me up a lot. I tend to think about my reactions a little more before I pursue them these days but like I'm not perfect. I'm still vulnerable to bad days and bad decision which ultimately turn into, well to put it simply, a crappy mood.
Today was one of those days. A beautiful day outside, I couldn't have asked for a better running day....such a shame I had to be at work. Well let me back track just a moment, my alarm went off at 5:15 this morning on accident (I guess I turned it on along with my 6am one) and I considered getting up anyways and running before work. But my inner thoughts convinced me otherwise, mainly because I didn't want to end up still out on the trail as I needed to be at work. I would have been too anxious during the run and wouldn't have enjoyed it. Because all the runs I do are "My Runs" and I tell myself that when I get fatigued or when I can't decide how far I want to run, I mentally check in within myself and just say, "This is your run, make the most of it".
Well I didn't get to have that run and as I walked to work at 7:25 I thought to myself, "I wish I could turn back time just a little bit so I could have run it" because I knew inside I would slowly lose motivation to hit the trail by the time I got off work because of other creeping anxieties....like this paper due tomorrow that I'm still not done with. I rounded up the motivation to push through more of the paper while at work and at 11am when my relief came I noticed the girl looked awful. She had been out the day before because she was really sick and there she was sitting in the chair looking like all she wanted/needed to do was go home and back to bed. I know that feeling. I know what it's like to feel like you've stretched outside your limits and just can't push anymore....so I offered to cover her shift for her.
At this point my run was looking less and less possible. I took a moment and tried to reschedule my day. So I would be at work until about 1pm, which is when I was supposed to meet up with my lifting partner, I could always use this time to work more on the paper, lift and then run....that sounds awful! The mental decay was getting to me and I was loosing steam. I'd been bothered most of the morning by other stressors and at this point I desperately needed to run, for my own sanity. As 1:30 rolled around my partner showed up and I was tempted to tell him that I needed a break from lifting because if I didn't go for a run I might spontaneously combust. But he had brought his friend from out of town with him and had already talked me up about how I was such a great partner that really pushed him to work hard, how could I back down now. I fell to peer pressure, which, yes goes against my philosophy I am well aware.
I had only gotten into one of my sets when my partner asks me how I am doing, he noticed I was kind of off. We had a quick gripe session about some of the things going on in my life and I disclose to him that I hadn't gone for my run yet. He understands that running is like a regulator for me, so he shortens my workout and tells me to go run. At this point I want nothing more than to just get out of the gym, for once being there has me feeling anxious and unwelcome.
Let me just say I had every intention of running right out that door and hitting the trail....until I realized I forgot my water bottle and jacket at home. A 13 mile run would not be smart to pursue without some kind of hydration and suddenly it looked like it might rain (but actually that was probably just my negative attitude). So I hopped the bus and told myself I would just start my run from my apartment. It was no surprise that when I got home, dropped my bags and had already convinced myself I wasn't gonna go for a run. I was so upset with myself but since I had been doing weights for a while I was also really stinkin' hungry. I opted for some mac n cheese and an episode of the vampire diaries to try and soothe myself. It's been three days since my last run and I feel like crap, and no the mac n cheese as delicious as it was, did not help.
Still looking for a way to procrastinate and recharge I thought a short nap would help, seeing as when things are really bothering me if I can't run I'll knock out for a while. No such luck. So now it's 6pm and my paper is only just past a quarter way of being done. I need to jump on it. I set up camp in the kitchen, because last night when I spread out in bed I of course fell asleep. That's the other thing, just a small tangent, I love to do everything in my bed but I've read that doing that really messes up your sleeping....I believe that more and more these days as I've needed to get things done and just end up out cold with my computer on top of me, music playing.
Anyways, my academic environment is less than supportive these days so it's safe to say that I may be pulling an all-nighter to get this final done, which was due on Friday I might add. I feel kind of stuck and like I need something. It's times like these that I miss my mom the most. I miss those warm spring/summer nights when we would sit on the swing in the backyard and she would listen to me talk about all of the crazy things going on in my life that were important then but have little meaning to me now. I'd give just about anything to have another one of those nights and for her embrace me with one of the best hugs anyone could ask for. Flash back to now and I tell myself I really need to go for a run tomorrow. These feelings, even two years later are still really intense for me and running helps me process them. Remember that philosophy I was telling you about? Well with anything there are exceptions and this is one of them. As much as it hurts to let in feelings of loss sometimes it helps because it reminds me of the strength that I have obtained over the years from it.
I like to think about it in a sense like a tough run. When I feel like I can't go any more, my muscles are fatigued and everything in me just wants to quit, I remind myself that I've overcome worse. When I first started running I had no muscle and very little drive, but look at where you are now. You can push just a little more because you're strong enough to, because she would want you to, and because nothing is out of reach.
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